Forgiveness

At its heart, forgiveness is a function of deeply understanding our inter-connectedness, the impossibility of assigning ultimate cause, and a recognition of the fact that those who are abusive to others are often themselves victims of abuse. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

In Jack Kornfield's article, The Practice of Forgiveness, he says:

Forgiveness is fundamentally for our own sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry. This is illustrated by the story of two ex-prisoners of war who meet after many years. When the first one asks, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?” the second man answers, “No, never.” “Well then,” the first man replies, “they still have you in prison.

...There is a strength to forgiveness. When we forgive we can also say, “Never again will I allow these things to happen.” We may resolve to never again permit such harm to come to ourselves or another. And at the same time we can also resolve to release the past and not carry bitterness and hate in our heart.

Be sure to watch "Hanno's Question", below, in which Hanno Eigenbrod, whose family suffered at the hands of the Russian army, asks: "How can I strengthen my metta practice to be stronger than a natural feeling to despise the Russian army?"

Videos and Readings for this module

Forgiveness Meditation - Jack Kornfield [10 min]
Forgiving is not Condoning - Tara Brach [2 min]
The Practice of Forgiveness - article by Jack Kornfield
What Forgiveness Means - Jack Kornfield [6 min]
Hanno's Question - Tara Brach [7 min]

Supplementary Resources

Anger as a Catalyst for Change - Tara Brach [7 min]
I'm Suffering, Too - Tara Brach [3 min]

Excerpts related to this topic

"Imagine you are walking in the woods, and you see a little dog under a tree. You are about to go pet it, but the dog lurches at you and its fangs are bared, so you go from wanting to pet the dog to feeling angry at it because it’s going to attack you. Then you see the dog’s leg is in a trap, and your feelings change again, to concern for the dog."

Tara explains, “When somebody does something hurtful, in some way, they’re suffering. If you can begin to look at another person and see behind the mask to the vulnerability that’s there, that their violence is coming from some deep wound, that their way of behaving that feels hurtful comes because they were hurt. If we can see that, our hearts will open to them. We have to be willing to look.”

… For one woman with her father, the pattern of anger and a closed heart had been going on for decades. She couldn’t forgive him for being such a judgmental and neglectful father. As he aged, his critical edge softened but she couldn’t shake the deep anger she felt towards him. When she and Tara met to explore how meditation might help her open her heart, Tara encouraged her to first bring self-compassion to the lifelong feelings of hurt, to her grief at not having the father she had longed for. Once she was able to hold herself with kindness, this woman could look at her father with fresh eyes. She could see how his leg was in a trap; how he had been struggling with his own insecurities and self-doubts.

Natural forgiveness followed, and she was able to be around him in a much more caring and spontaneous way. To her surprise, he began responding to her in kind. When he died several years later, she told Tara, “I would have missed getting to know who he was behind the armour. Forgiving him is one of the great blessings in my life.”

Tara emphasises that forgiveness is a gradual, emotional process; not something the mind takes on alone. When we’ve been wounded, we can’t just decide that we “should” forgive the other person. The first step is to bring a compassionate attention to our own heart. Once we have held ourselves with kindness, it is possible to widen the circle of compassion to include others.

“You can’t will forgiveness, all you can do is be willing,” Tara counsels, “Once you have the intention, everything else follows.”

- from First, Forgive Yourself - interview of Tara Brach by Tej Rae

One of my favorite lines this is from a very dear friend and Buddhist teacher Ruth King, she says: 'Anger is initiatory, it is not transformative.'

Anger is initiatory, it is not transformative. We need the energy, it wakes us up, it alerts us; but then we need to keep on going to what's next. Another teacher of mine, Ruby Sales, who's a civil rights activist and an elder, she describes non-redemptive anger as when you lose access to your deepest intelligence and wisdom; redemptive anger is when you get energized but then you move on to out-of-care acting. So non-redemptive anger, getting stuck in 'bad othering', actually fuels the soul sickness of our society and there's a wisdom in us that knows what Martin Luther King means by 'soul force', that knows that when we're really, really alive with caring and when we join hands, that's soul force; we can act out of compassion to make a difference. 'Hatred never ceases by hatred but by love alone is ceased; this is an ancient and eternal law

- Tara Brach, from Anger as a Catalyst for Change

“My life is like shattered glass,” said the visitor.
“My soul is tainted with evil. Is there any hope for me?”
“Yes,” said the Master.
“There is something whereby each broken thing is bound again and every stain made clean.”
“What?”
"Forgiveness.”
“Whom do I forgive?”
“Everyone. Life, God, your neighbor. And especially yourself.”
“How is that done?”
“By understanding that no one is to blame,” said the Master.
“No one.”
- Anthony De Mello, from Awakening - Conversations with the Masters

Most of us need to be reminded that we are good, that we are lovable, that we belong. If we knew just how powerfully our thoughts, words, and actions affected the hearts of those around us, we’d reach out and join hands again and again. Our relationships have the potential to be a sacred refuge, a place of healing and awakening. With each person we meet, we can learn to look behind the mask and see the one who longs to love and be loved.

- Tara Brach

Let us forgive the worst among us because the worst is in ourselves, the worst lives in each of us, along with the best. Let us forgive the worst in each of us and all of us so that the best in each of us and all of us may be free.

- Leonard Peltier