My whole perspective of life has changed after taking the eight weeks of the Palouse Mindfulness Online MBSR course. The opportunity to take this course has given me the chance to not only reflect on the positive changes from taking the course but also reflect on my life in general.
I have always strived to be the very best of whatever I did my whole life even in my early childhood. In elementary school I was the captain or co-captain of every girls sporting game, captain or co-captain of the safety patrol, President or vice president of our class every year. This behavior went on through high school and nursing school. I took great pride in working full time nights, while attending nursing school during the day and taking care of two children who attended private schools because “I worked hard so they could get the best education”. I continued to work two jobs after graduating nursing school so everyone could have the very best life. I had to work in the Burn Intensive Care unit after graduating from nursing school because I was not “just going to be a floor nurse”. I resigned from one of my jobs in 2003 because I found I could not give “110%” to both jobs. I was now able to focus on exceling in my nursing career and had time to take my children camping, fishing, hiking, trap shooting, horseback riding, lacrosse games, sailboat racing, trail riding, to the beach and spring river for vacations etc.
My take away... We are groomed to live stressful lives and then we pass it on to our children. I am fortunate my children did not pick up this behavior.
I look back on what I feel like is insanity. I recall lying in bed at night and my mind would never stop planning and reviewing the present, past and future. This thought process was nonstop throughout the day as well. I looked at it as a positive quality because I could “do” so much. I would refer to the nonstop mind as the squirrels in my head. Since taking the course I have heard it referred to as jumping monkeys, or calming the farm animals. I knew exactly what they were talking about. The only time I can remember actually living in the present moment prior to taking this course was when I was a small child playing in the yard by myself with my toy horse and Barbie... To “wake up” and realize you have not been present the majority of your life is profound.
It took my 5th concussion/TBI complicated by whiplash to stop and think about putting myself first. I was told two concussions prior to this injury by a neurologist if I hit my head again, I would die. Well, he was wrong so I see it as being given another chance. This was a wakeup call for me because I fainted due to exhaustion which caused the injuries. I found the Palouse Mindfulness Online MBSR course by “accident” when I was preparing my holistic care plan to present to my neurologist at my second appointment. I had heard a little bit about mindfulness but did not have a good understanding of the practice. It has been an incredible journey that has enriched my life beyond words. Living in the moment with a still or quiet mind is so profound I cannot find the words to describe it. I was meditating in my front yard with my eyes opened during the sunrise one morning and noticed the dew drops on the plants, flowers, and grass sparkled like diamonds. I knew at that moment I was never going back to the life I lived before taking the course. I actually feel appreciation for my pain and injury because I would not have reached out to find a course in mindfulness and practiced consistently to get to where I am today. Practicing mindfulness, meditation and yoga are my priorities and that will continue every day. I experience pain pretty much all the time and they filled my position at work but I do not feel like I am suffering. I am grateful and joyful beyond words. I have found peace and stillness in a world that never stops talking.
- Deborah S.
"Letter of Learning"
from Deborah S. in Tennessee
